Five years back, on my 12th birthday, I wrote a letter to myself. I promised myself to read that letter on my birthday every year for the next five years. As on 6th may,2014 five years were completed. I decided to read that letter for the last time, tear it apart and write a letter to my younger twelve year old self. Though this takes a lot of time, to think, to write. But it helped me to understand my self better, to know the difference between my life at age 12 and at 17! To know what I wanted to be, what I could’ve become and what I’ve actually become.
So here’s the summary of the old letter written five years back!
(I’m obviously going to cut the embarrassing parts, well there are a lot of them!!)
(I WILL ALSO UPLOAD A PICTURE OF THAT EMBARASSING LETTER)
“Hello! When I’ll be 17 years old I’ll be beautiful and I’ll have bigger height. I will also have very long hair and I will dye my hair pink and red and green like avril lavigne and change my hair style. (my sister) will probably be married at that time. I will go to Kinnaird college and I will also learn to drive a car, to cook and I’ll also get all-rounder certificate again because that’s my favourite certificate. I will take first position every year and I’ll be the best daughter ever! My life will become so perfffffect. Everyone’s going to be happpyyyyyyyyyyy from me because I’ll be the best and i’ll do coolest things with my friends and i’ll have more freedom so i’ll be the best damn thing that your eyes have ever seen!
PS: I WILL become better at maths!!!!!!!!!!”
A letter to twelve year old me:
Dear little Fiya,
You were twelve at that time, a cocoon who was not yet ready to become a butterfly, too young to know that whatever you wished wasn’t actually going to happen, that dreams like yours are just will-o’-the-wisps. They are fake, they are mere illusions! they are scams and trickeries. They lead you to believe in all kinds of useless, Sisyphean crap. You were too young to believe that people you called your friends were your secret enemies, they couldn’t see you happy. They never rejoiced in your happiness. Too young to consider that when you’ll be at the top your friends will be the one to kick the ladder and make you suffer the greatest fall of your life. But I’m proud of you. I’m proud of the choices you made. Proud of the fact that you never let anyone hurt your ego (except that one year where you completely lost your mind-2013!) I’m proud of your old school results, of your accomplishments, your lifestyle back then, your habits, your personality, your traits, your aims… I’m proud to say this was me 5 years back!
You know, the people you thought are nice actually turned out to be idiots, the plans you thought actually turned out to be shitty. The world you wanted was nothing but a lie, A lie that your heart wanted to believe in. But on a positive note, Look how far you’ve come. You’re free from school now, you do have longer hair and a better height than before, you know the basics of cooking and driving and I feel stupid to say this but you did get an all-rounder certificate though you did not get first position ever again! LOL. You’ve beaten all the people who wanted to see you down. All your melancholies, all your agitations are left hidden in a cloud full of sullen, glum and sour memories and that hate filled cloud is so far away from you that no matter how much you try you’ll only reach it on doomsday. All your distresses and dismays have become ashes, abandoning your soul and moving to the sky, making you mature and giving you experience to deal with idiots so you could save yourself if someone tries to bring you down next time. There’s no more room for drama in your life. God has squished all the anguish inside even the tiniest bit of your cells and taken it away from you, forever.
How lucky I was to be so lively and to have such self-mastery at that time. I wish I could become you again, little fiya. I really wish.
From future to past,